New Year - same outlook?

My life continues to change.  I begin this year with a sister diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, a cousin's wife with stage 4 cervical cancer and a friend with breast cancer (second time). 

I struggle with what to think or say.  Each woman has reacted to the news in dramatically different ways.  I wonder how I would react?  What would I do if I were told that I had a potentially life limiting illness?  Would I run away? make a new bucket list? Find a familiar spot and make it my own?  I would like to think that I would embrace life more.  Savor each moment just a little bit longer and try to remove all bitterness and negativity in my life.

That got me to thinking-why wait?  Why should I wait for something catastrophic to happen to allow me to change my outlook?  Why not savor those things now?  Why not stop looking for landmines and notice the flowers in the fields?  Why lament over the things that I don't have and rejoice in the gifts that I have been given?  I don't mean to ignore the landmines, but why assume that every field has them?

I don't mean to say that I want to spend my entire life with my head in the clouds and think that it is full of fairies and bubbles.  What I mean is that rather than worry about those things that I cannot change and focus more on the gifts in front of me. 

This year marks the 10th anniversary of me starting to ride a bike.  Baby sits in the garage, partly due to weather and partly due to the lack of desire to be on her.  I still don't know where and if she will take me, but I do know one thing - this year is going to be a very different year.  I can feel it in my soul.

I hope all that read this blog have a new beginning.  More postings to follow - ideally with much more hope!


RoadRunner

Wow - has it been that long????

Wow, I had not realized that it has been so long since I posted.  May of this year (4 months)!  Where does the time go?  Actually, I know where, it has been here, there and everywhere, very little is on a motorcycle. 

So, where does that leave this blog?  Where does that leave Graylady Riders?  I'm thinking, right here.  Just where I am.  I may not be ready to ride, to be fair - I may never be ready to ride again - not like I did.  But I am ready to live my life as a Gray Lady Rider.    My hair tells me that!  My life tells me that wheels don't determine your "ride", rather, your life determines that. 

You can either choose to ride your life or you can choose to be a passenger.  Me?  I'm a rider.  I ride my own ride.  I ride my own life.  In the past few months I have chopped trees, cleared land, built steps, killed a snake (should have left it be..), scorpions and moved more spiders than anyone should have to.  I've thrown out my back to the point where I could not walk, been through physical therapy and had to learn what limitations are.  All the while, Baby sits in the garage waiting for me to ride.  But not riding a motorcycle has not limited me in living my life.  In fact, I've changed more in one year than I have in several.

I'm not sure who reads this - to be fair - I'm not sure it matters.  Just like riding my own ride, this blog is my way of figuring out my life.  If I'm lucky, there are others that are doing the same and that this is a way to let them know - they are not alone. 

Life changes you.  It makes you different and how you manage that change determines you, your future and direction.  I think I like the direction I am moving now. 

 

RoadRunner

A year.....

Today is your birthday Jose..  May 5th marks the one year anniversary since you died.  Baby sits pretty much quiet in the garage with a battery tender attached to her.  She is rarely ridden.  The truth is - there is no spark.  No fire, in fact, little of anything that makes me inspired.  Other than my amazing children - and then it is just from a vicarious position.

I'm not sure how many follow this blog.  I've never been inspiring nor important.  So now, I'm just an older woman posting my musings on a medium that the world can see.  Will they care?  Who knows....

I know one thing - I yearn to be.  What that means "to be" is unknown.  But I do feel like I am in the midst of an awaking.

Do I sell the bike and move on?  Do I continue to ride?  Do I take up pottery, or drawing, or jewelry making or what???

Lately, I feel a restlessness that I felt when I first got the bike.  I hear a whisper that I can barely hear and can't identify it's origin.  It is a voice that does not come from the wind, but rumbles from my soul.  I can feel in in my chest more than in my ear.  Muddled by the sounds of life, I can still hear the voice - but the words remain insanely elusive...

There is a part of me that thinks that if I could just hear (or feel) the words - that would then know where my life should be.  I would know what direction I should head.  I would know what would inspire me, push me, make me alive.

If anyone still follows this - advice would be welcome.  Tell me your dreams and more importantly, tell me the what you have heard if you have finally been able to hear the word that rumble from your soul.



Sheilah (or RoadRunner wannabe...)