This Social Warrior Wannabe says Goodbye to Baby...

I've let this blog go dormant.  One reason is that I had lost my footing.  When I looked at my posts, they did not have any direction.  Nothing that showed where I was headed. That has not changed. I still do not know where I am headed.

 I actually had someone say recently , that by looking at my public persona, that I was a "social warrior wannabe."  That made me realize that perhaps, I should stop being a wannabe and focus more on deciding what I am.  So I decided to make changes.

Earlier this year,  I put Baby up for sale.  Actually, I consigned it.  Unridden and no longer street legal, All Pro Power Sports, specifically James, came and got her ( http://www.allpropowersport.net).  As they loaded her up on the truck and proceeded to drive away, I felt - nothing.  No remorse, no tinge of regret, not even relief.  I literally felt nothing. Now, she is in someone else's garage.  I have not seen her on the road yet, but to be fair - I am not looking either.

What I am looking for now, is me.  I at first thought, just keep moving forward.  But now I am having second thoughts.  I think that as we age, when we are faced with a new path, we must turn around and look back.  We need to look and see what we have done, what was good, what was bad and what roads should never be walked again.  After reading my post in 2015, I realize that perhaps I should focus on reflection.  Not on what is ahead of me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying dwell in the past, but when I started Gray Lady Riders, when I started this blog, I was looking behind me and saying "Is that all there is?"  I now know, the answer is yes, our history is just that - history.  Harsh, but true.  But when I look back, I no longer see opportunities missed.  I don't see the "I should have dones."  I look back and see, I have had an amazing life.  And it is not even close to being over.

I went to a worlds fair in 1967 (Expo 67 - in Montreal)

I've watched a rocket blast off in July 1969 and 3 days later, man walked on the moon.

I saw the country celebrate our bicentennial and had the great fortune of graduating from high school that same year.

I've lived in 3 different countries and traveled across many more.  I've seen the tulips in the Netherlands, eaten chocolate in Switzerland, eaten sushi in Hawaii and  photographed grizzlies in Alaska.

I've rode a motorcycle across the country and back. In that time I saw wild horses in New Mexico and Nevada, the Mojave Desert, the Grand Canyon, the Bonneville Salt Flats of Utah.

I've authored a book, been considered an expert in my field, and then retired from it all.

I've lost good friends, cousins, a sister, a mother and most recently, a father.

I've watched my children grow into amazing adults.

I've been graced with an adorable grandson that keeps me young.


While not inclusive, I realize that with the pain and lessons, that my life has been pretty amazing. 

I am still finding my feet.  I still collect backpacks and supplies (up to about 200 right now).  I still want to affect the lives of children.  But I want more than anything else, to move forward and stop being that "wannabe" and become the woman warrior that I know I am.

What warrior do you want to become (or are now?)

New Year - same outlook?

My life continues to change.  I begin this year with a sister diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, a cousin's wife with stage 4 cervical cancer and a friend with breast cancer (second time). 

I struggle with what to think or say.  Each woman has reacted to the news in dramatically different ways.  I wonder how I would react?  What would I do if I were told that I had a potentially life limiting illness?  Would I run away? make a new bucket list? Find a familiar spot and make it my own?  I would like to think that I would embrace life more.  Savor each moment just a little bit longer and try to remove all bitterness and negativity in my life.

That got me to thinking-why wait?  Why should I wait for something catastrophic to happen to allow me to change my outlook?  Why not savor those things now?  Why not stop looking for landmines and notice the flowers in the fields?  Why lament over the things that I don't have and rejoice in the gifts that I have been given?  I don't mean to ignore the landmines, but why assume that every field has them?

I don't mean to say that I want to spend my entire life with my head in the clouds and think that it is full of fairies and bubbles.  What I mean is that rather than worry about those things that I cannot change and focus more on the gifts in front of me. 

This year marks the 10th anniversary of me starting to ride a bike.  Baby sits in the garage, partly due to weather and partly due to the lack of desire to be on her.  I still don't know where and if she will take me, but I do know one thing - this year is going to be a very different year.  I can feel it in my soul.

I hope all that read this blog have a new beginning.  More postings to follow - ideally with much more hope!


RoadRunner

Wow - has it been that long????

Wow, I had not realized that it has been so long since I posted.  May of this year (4 months)!  Where does the time go?  Actually, I know where, it has been here, there and everywhere, very little is on a motorcycle. 

So, where does that leave this blog?  Where does that leave Graylady Riders?  I'm thinking, right here.  Just where I am.  I may not be ready to ride, to be fair - I may never be ready to ride again - not like I did.  But I am ready to live my life as a Gray Lady Rider.    My hair tells me that!  My life tells me that wheels don't determine your "ride", rather, your life determines that. 

You can either choose to ride your life or you can choose to be a passenger.  Me?  I'm a rider.  I ride my own ride.  I ride my own life.  In the past few months I have chopped trees, cleared land, built steps, killed a snake (should have left it be..), scorpions and moved more spiders than anyone should have to.  I've thrown out my back to the point where I could not walk, been through physical therapy and had to learn what limitations are.  All the while, Baby sits in the garage waiting for me to ride.  But not riding a motorcycle has not limited me in living my life.  In fact, I've changed more in one year than I have in several.

I'm not sure who reads this - to be fair - I'm not sure it matters.  Just like riding my own ride, this blog is my way of figuring out my life.  If I'm lucky, there are others that are doing the same and that this is a way to let them know - they are not alone. 

Life changes you.  It makes you different and how you manage that change determines you, your future and direction.  I think I like the direction I am moving now. 

 

RoadRunner

A year.....

Today is your birthday Jose..  May 5th marks the one year anniversary since you died.  Baby sits pretty much quiet in the garage with a battery tender attached to her.  She is rarely ridden.  The truth is - there is no spark.  No fire, in fact, little of anything that makes me inspired.  Other than my amazing children - and then it is just from a vicarious position.

I'm not sure how many follow this blog.  I've never been inspiring nor important.  So now, I'm just an older woman posting my musings on a medium that the world can see.  Will they care?  Who knows....

I know one thing - I yearn to be.  What that means "to be" is unknown.  But I do feel like I am in the midst of an awaking.

Do I sell the bike and move on?  Do I continue to ride?  Do I take up pottery, or drawing, or jewelry making or what???

Lately, I feel a restlessness that I felt when I first got the bike.  I hear a whisper that I can barely hear and can't identify it's origin.  It is a voice that does not come from the wind, but rumbles from my soul.  I can feel in in my chest more than in my ear.  Muddled by the sounds of life, I can still hear the voice - but the words remain insanely elusive...

There is a part of me that thinks that if I could just hear (or feel) the words - that would then know where my life should be.  I would know what direction I should head.  I would know what would inspire me, push me, make me alive.

If anyone still follows this - advice would be welcome.  Tell me your dreams and more importantly, tell me the what you have heard if you have finally been able to hear the word that rumble from your soul.



Sheilah (or RoadRunner wannabe...)

5 months.... and a spark.

5 months.  That's how long it has been since I lost Shelia.  Well, technically, I did not lose her.  She died.  She just plain died.  But 5 months is how long it has taken me to say "She died - she's dead."  Technically, I still don't know what she actually died of.  But I am coming to the realization, that it truly does not matter.  At the end of the day - she's dead.

I still hurt, but nothing on the scale of those that had known her all of her life.  And nothing on the scale of her family.  My loss is a small blip on the emotional scale of losses but it was still big to me. 

I've tried to make sense of why I was affected by a death of someone who I had only known for such a short period of time.  My guess is that in the short years (I think it was from 2005 until 2012 - she was completely incapacitated by this year), we did so much together.  In those short years, we rode through more states and miles than I can count.

We went through surgeries, deaths, loads of laughs and many arguments.  It was if time somehow knew that our relationship was on a short track and that we needed to fit as much as possible in those years to last a lifetime.  Yet still, I somehow expected more. 

I thought I would still feel her presence.  That I would be fortified by the fact that now, we could still ride together, we could go and see all the things that we still wanted to do - that I would be able to find the feet that I had lost so long ago when I got on that plane to the UK.

I think that is why I was listening so hard to try and hear Shelia.  I wanted someone to be my ground, to be my support, to give me purpose.  Since May of 2009, I've given up a career, graduated a child from college, another from high school and lost my best friend.  And I see nothing that gives me the light I need to find my feet.  I wanted Sheila to let me see.  I was wrong.  Shelia's dead.  She is gone and I know that she is not going find me.  I'm trying to make someone who is dead find me. 

I also know, that is impossible.  No one can "find me".  That is something that lies within myself.  I cannot pin my existence on "being" something other than what I become.  For me, "being" was defined by another person: a child,  a parent, a sibling, a coworker, a spouse, a friend, I have been depending upon someone else to define me.  This realization is the first spark I have seen.

Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I am beginning to see a small light.  Right now, that light is a bit like a distant star, it's flickers and ebbs in the night.  It doesn't wink, it doesn't glitter, it just appears and disappears in a black night like a memory that you can't quite grasp.  But, nonetheless, it is a light.  And with luck, it will move from a spark, to a distant star, to flame, and to a fire.  One that will light the ground up so much that I am able to see my feet. 

No one is going to find me.  My feet are already on the ground, I just need to move them and hope that the light will follow.

The next stage....

I have not done well with losing Shelia.  I miss her desperately, and have been doing so for a very long time.

I think that those around her were so much stronger, so much better that I could have ever been.  Her family was amazing and I am grateful that she was surrounded by them when she died.  

Truth be told, if I go back and look at history, I realize that she was very ill on the trip across the country.  While hard, going to the UK, was probably the very best thing for the both of us as it enabled her to reconnect with old friends, family and the ones that were ultimately there to take care of her.  

I've never known anyone that died a lingering death.  As such, I never accepted the fact that she was dying.  I truly believed that if she just got up, she would get better.  It was not until the services yesterday that I finally started to admit that she was ill and that in the end, there was nothing I would have been able to do.  God works in amazing ways that way. 

But, I still find myself holding my breath waiting for something to happen.  I'm going to go and talk with my pastor today to start the road to healing.  I now know it is time.  Now, I have to learn to move on and learn to be on my own again.

For those that follow this blog, pray for me.  I know that may sound selfish, but I want to know what it is like to breathe again.  Right now, I feel like I never will. 

Shiny Side Up

-RoadRunner

Sweet Dreams Jose....

Yesterday I lost a mother, a friend, a confidant and a very large part of me.  After a short but vicious illness, my friend Jose left this world surrounded by family and long time friends.  For those that have followed this blog, I wish I could say more.  Truth be told, I could never wrap my head around her illness.  I wanted to believe that if she could just get up, that she would get better.

I would insist on her trying harder and pushing through.  Not until she was bedridden, unable to talk, move or much of anything else, did I accept the fact that she was ill.  Even then, while I said that she was dying, I never really accepted it.  When I heard of her passing yesterday I was numb.  To be fair, I'm pretty sure that I still am.

I find it appropriate that she left this world on Cinco De Mayo...  She loved her margaritas and the small group of women that would meet about once a month to socialize, laugh and personally give me strength (the Posse) met to drink to her passing, laugh about our lives and start that long, painful process of building a life without our Jose.

For me, it means moving on with the knowledge that I will never see her behind me when I ride.  I will never visit the stores, eat at the restaurants, or see the silly way her cheeks would turn red when she had a drink.  I will miss my frustration that she would choose Dr. Pepper over water (even in the Mojave Desert!) and the way that we would "talk" with simply hand signals when we rode.
 
My salvation is that now, she will be with me whenever I start up Baby.  I hope and pray that she will be there urging me on saying "okay - I can ride now, get up and  go". 

I will miss you Jose, I will miss you Mrs. Shelia Douglas.  I will love you always.  I hope that now you are riding, fully geared, with the road ahead of you and the wind at your back.

- Road Runner

Happy New Year (Or Baby we need to get a life!)

Wow, another year has passed!  Now is the time for that myopic, sometimes tainted introspective of the past 12 months.  Often this can be tainted with not only emotions, but history.  I have decided not to do that as much this year.  In the year 2013, I have only one resolution - to be happier.

What it will take to do that - I'm not sure.  What I know that will prevent it - is absolute.  No dwelling on things you cannot change.  No worrying about those that have chosen paths you cannot control.  No wishing that things could be different.   I guess you can say I want this to be a "No free" year!

I want to embrace the life that I have.  This year, I don't want to look back over my shoulder and think "Is that all there is?".  This year, I want to look forward and see a path.  To be sure, this year, that path is blank.  But I would prefer to think that this blank is not a cave or dark unknown.  This year, it is a canvas that I will paint with memories and experiences that will take my breath away.

To all those "Gray Lady" riders, I wish you a very happy New Year.  I wish you happiness, peace and great rides on whatever moves you



Shiny Side Up!
Road Runner

Back to Jamaica!!!!

We did it again! We just came back from Jamaica and this time brought 40 backpacks for the students.  With the help of a resort we were staying at, we were able to provide backpacks for 2 schools. 

This parish was a bit more well off than the one first visited.  The backpacks were well recieved.  The thing that surprised us the most was response from the boys when they saw the used soccer balls!

This time we visted two schools, one on each end of the parish of Trelawny.  The first, was a basic school (ages between 3 and 5) and the second was a primary school (elementary aged students)

Below are some pictures from St. Michaels Basic School.  To see all of the pictures from both schools:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.504230332938218.127516.122024834492105&type=3&l=98af30580e

Highway 50 in the Spring?

I've been thinking about riding across the country again. This time, I want to do it a bit differently. I would like to go East on Highway 50, then West on Highway 20. I would envision that it will take about a month.

Some lessons learned about the last trip:
1. Have a trailer vehicle. This is for two reasons. One to carry a bike if you need it to. Secondly and in my opinion, more important. A way to carry all of the gear. Then, we can focus on riding.

2. Make sure that you have validated the checklists. There were too many things forgotten. I would like to know that we have everything.

3. Throw away the schedule. Ride for the fun of it with the understanding that if you run out of time - turn around!

Any takers in coming along?

We did it!!!!

Well, it finally happened. I drank the koolaid! Nubs and I (my new riding partner) rode for a mile in the Trail of Tears. I saw several friends that I have not see in ages. In addition, I found out that it was actually fun. I thought about continuing on with the ride, but realized that it would be unlikely that I would have the opportunity to separate from the group until Florence. As such, I came home.

That got me thinking.... We are faced with challenges every day of our lives. Some of my friends (and Gray Ladies) are dealing with far more than anyone should be burdened with. But despite the challenge, each is riding their path like it is part of the journey and not the destination. I just hope that when it is my time to face such challenges that I ride more than a mile and keep going rather than just go home!

The weather is finally starting to turn and as such, Baby is calling for me to ride. Tomorrow, we will probably start looking for that quiet road with the falling leaves and if really lucky - the sweet smell of fall calling us to keep going until the sun goes down!


Keep on riding,


Shiny Side Up!
RoadRunner

What cost is freedom???

Today I did something that I have never done before. I rode without a helmet, without gear and without the proper mindset. Why? To get away from the oppressing heat. To be fair, I did have some form of headgear (one of the kids old bike helmets) and my shoes were hiking boots. But other than that - I rode in essence naked. But how liberating! Not in a "I'm riding without a helmet or gear", rather just the freedom from the heat! I doubt I would do it again; but to be fair, I had not bargained for the fact that I would be affected by the heat and humidity of the South. This is where I was born! This is my home! I love it here. But I was unprepared for the sudden change in the weather.

Life is a bit like that - we get used to one single thing, then when we are removed from it - suddenly what we had in the past is now a challenge to accept. I would like to think that this is what is called growth.

For those that know me - no - I won't be doing that again. I would prefer to wake up early and ride in the morning rather than what I did today. But, it did give me an insight into why others ride without gear and helmets - I can see their choice. I love that about life - we learn to see what the meaning of it is (life) in the eyes of others!

Coming Home! Another road trip - maybe ;-)

I'm not sure how many (if any) keep up with this blog. Truth be told - I have not. This is evident since it has been almost a year since I posted. Not because I was sad, or unhappy, or bored. Just that this blog did not represent the life I was living here. But now, a new life is to begin. I am due to come home in May. Baby (and Jose) have patiently waited for me while I went on my European adventure. I can already feel the road calling me again. This time, I want to do it right.


I want to ride what is coined "The loneliest road in America." It goes from one of the country to the other (East/West). If lucky and have enough time, I would then like to at least ride through the Badlands. This is where the previous musing comes in. For those that are still following - who would like to join me? You don't have to ride; in fact we need at least one that does not - we need a trailer vehicle. Someone that can carry all the "stuff" that goes with a cross country ride as well as to support the times where one of us cannot ride.

I do not know how far we will get or what we will do. All I do know is this. It will most likely be the month of June. It will hopefully be at least three weeks and it will definitely be an adventure!

Let me know what you think. You can come for some or all of the ride. Let's start my (and to a real part - Gray Lady Riders) new American adventure in style!




Shiny Side Up!
- RoadRunner

Summer in the UK

I am amazed at how much different things are in one year. Someone told me that it takes an entire year to finally get settled into a new life somewhere else - particularly when moving overseas. I have not made my goal of being on a bike here in the UK, but I am beginning to realize - that it is not that important. I want to ride my way. Not for the sake of being on a bike - but to feel the wind on my body, the sound and smells of the road and the feeling I get when riding. It isn't about the bike - it is about that journey! I can't imagine riding here and just going. It would be to a specific destination - riding for the sake of riding - not for the joy of it.

Life is a bit like that. There are times that we just live. We breathe, we eat, we go to work, but just don't live life. For now, I think I would rather journey with my feet, the tube or the train and enjoy the process of getting to wherever "there" is. The bike - Baby, she and my friends will all be there when I get back. Until then, I will focus on making this part of my journey one to remember for the rest of my life!


Shiny Side Up
RoadRunner

Buffs

This is one post I never really like to make. This time one of our own is going to be giving her mother a buff. But the story is just the same; The buff is a soft cover for your head during chemo, a scarf to wear as a badge during the times you no longer need it for your head and a reminder that life is a journey. It isn't about the destination, it is how you get there that matters. Focus on the journey, because the destination will always be there.

When I give a buff away, I tell the woman that recieves it that she should remember two things: That a crazy woman on a motorcycle gave her the buff and secondly to always remember that life is a journey and to enjoy the ride!

Love you 100% and all the Gray Lady Riders (both those known and unknown) will be praying for your mother!

Motorcycle Show!

Wow. Today was amazing. Jose and I attended a Motorcycle show where we were able to share our story. I was so impressed with the number of people who where not only interested, but are willing to help us! To all of those that came by our booth to say hello or to find out more - thank you! The day ended with four young children in the projects across the street. Just as I was about to pull out on Baby, a little girl waved at me. I waved back and to my horror - she started running to me to hug me - all while the kickstand was up and the bike was running. Here were four children that all they wanted to do was to see my bike. I got off Baby and told them about the dangers of the bike and how it can get very hot. Then, one by one, each child hugged me, gear, helmet and all. My only regret - I had no pencils with me! They were all in Jose's car!!! So hopefully, I will see them again tomorrow. I told them to come in and ask for Gray Lady Riders!

Here's to finding the children willing to half the pencil!!!!

Almost one year....

It has been a while since I have posted - well, REALLY posted. I started to wonder why I had stopped updating this. Truth be told, I felt I was talking/posting to myself. I get the feeling that GLR is no longer interesting. But why? Is it because we were riding through all of these great and magical places? And now we are not? Is it because for those short few weeks, people could live their dreams vicariously through us? Was it that while we were trying to find the community or children that would be able to use our school supplies to raise themselves up to a new level, that those that followed us were more interested in the ride itself? Worse yet, can I include myself in the same group? I would like to think not, but I did wonder, then I realized something - I am still riding. Just not on a bike. Now, like so many others of you that have been following me, I'm riding the ride of life!

I am in England, going to work every day into London (well, occasionally I work from home..), I ride a train that takes me from a small village (Kintbury) into London where from my break room, I can see Big Ben, the House of Parliament and the Thames river. But the best part are the people that I work with. They too are working to share the dream, but on such a greater scale than just that of backpacks, school supplies and pencils. Comic Relief's vision is "A just world - free of poverty" and now, I'm helping them to achieve that! And, I am hoping that in some small way - Gray Lady Riders will also be able to help.

For now, I will be focusing on what I see and do here, not just from a work perspective, but from the amazing place called the UK. Oh, I'm still looking for those that will break the pencil in half, so is Jose, and others as well. But for now, until we find that child or children, I will entertain you with what it is like to be in the UK, bikeless, yet still riding life!

Until my next post
Shiny Side Up!

RoadRunner

Quiet!

The weather is starting to turn a bit colder. You can see and feel the fall in the air. While this Gray Lady is off of her wheels for a while, I am still looking for that child or community that can use our school supplies.

Our website is now up. www.grayladyriders.com. Come and see what you think. Then come back to our blog and let us know. Any comments, good or bad will be accepted. (Please, remember to be civil.)

I heard about the dramatic flooding that occurred in Georgia. If anyone knows of a child in need, go to the contact page and send us an email!

Keep collecting those supplies. If you need to know where to send them, please, let us know.

Until later,
RoadRunner

Our next big adventure!

Jose and I know that many have been following us on our great adventure. While this trip did not end exactly the way we would have liked, we did get to see some amazing things, meet incredible people and most importantly, raise the awareness of our goal to provide school supplies to those that will benefit the most.

Now it is your turn to participate! In the coming months, children will be leaving school with slightly used backpacks, old school supplies will be put up and forgotten and stores will be putting amazing sales on new supplies. Here is how YOU can help.

Send us those slightly used backpacks, send us the school supplies that will not be used. Help us by buying supplies when on those great sales. And.. help us to identify children in your area that will "break the pencil in half."

For those that ride, there is still an opportunity to ride with us. Jose is spearheading the effort to get rides together. Unfortunately, this is a geographically limited prospect. Most of you that have been following us who do ride, are in areas considerably further away than north Alabama. But, for those that are interested and are near us, respond. Perhaps we can get rides together in the area to meet and to enjoy the ride.

For those that do not ride, come anyway. Contact us. Motorcycles are not the only way to move you through life or on the road. We welcome anyone, regardless of vehicle to join our cause!

Send us an email, or post a comment on the board. All comments are moderated, so if you don't want your email identified, simply state it, and I will remove that information from the post.

Jose and I again, want to thank those who followed us on one of the most amazing experiences of our lives. Particularly to those that rode with us and were with us each day. We felt your presence and hope that we can continue this great ride of life with all you ladies (and some men) that understand that what moves you in life is not about the vehicle, it is about the journey and the path that you may take!




Shiny Side Up!
RoadRunner

Home!

Turns out, that we were not very far from home. We took it easy getting back and made it home before 5! I even had time to run in and get a shower before Mr. Norm got in!

I was told that my posts sounded as if I were disappointed in the trip. I was, both Jose and I were. However, while I cannot speak for Jose; I will tell you that for the first week or so, it was a trip that was beyond my wildest dreams! Would I ride in the Mojave again? No, would I figure out how to get through California without taking any major (or minor) highways - yes! Would I have done the entire trip differently? Absolutely! Would I trade riding across country with my best friend - NEVER!

We have seen parts of the country that neither of us have while on a bike. Some may say that we failed, but I disagree. Two women, one 64 and the other 50, traveled across the country on our own. One could say that the wheels feel off on the return leg. Even then, we were still able to see things that had we been on the bikes, we would not.

We rode in rain, through snow (though not on the road), through dust storms and through sickness. Through all of this, one thing stood strong; the friendship between two women. That was never in doubt.
I will write more, like when we were on this small, dusty road in Wyoming and I was humming the theme to Deliverance, because we had NO idea where we were and if we would get off the mountain!

Today is clean up day and a time to reflect on what we have done. I want to go through the pictures and add some to the blog as well as some other thoughts.

Our primary goal was to bring attention to Gray Lady Riders and the purpose of find the child and children that will break the pencil in half and for those that are willing to help find or support them. In that, I feel that this has been a start. It will be up to those that have been following to continue the dream!

We were glad to get home. Shaun was not as happy as the rest of us.... He did not want to leave the trunk of the silver horse, but of course, but I made him!

Jose, loved the silver horse - he got her home!